Discovering a new me

So needless to say, this is the first blog I've had since I was an young adolescent where I used these things to cope with my battling emotions and hopeless romantic dreams. Although those blogs were quite entertaining and are probably still saved on the internet somewhere for people to read and laugh at it, I'm hoping to use this new blog as a more mature outlet for myself to reflect on who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm doing.

so. let's just dive in, shall we?

Today is sunday, my third week of attending service at Vintage 21 church, and will be my third (or fourth?) week of community group that tracy invited me to. I can already tell you my heart is changing. For so long I've been longing to feel whole and happy and I can honestly say for the first time in what feels like forever that I'm finding peace within myself and I owe it all to Jesus.

I feel like since I've gotten to college that life has just turned me upside down. I decided I wanted to teach, got a scholarship. joined a sorority. quit a sorority. first car accident. lived on my own. fell in love. traveled all the way to europe for the first time to see the one i loved. heart broken in europe. almost lost my scholarship. worked too much. lost myself.

After the ending of my second semester junior year, I had decided I was drained, unhappy, and unbelievably lost. I couldn't stay in the same place any longer and so I decided to come home for the summer. At 21 years old, I had felt completely defeated and hopeless in all that I was doing with my life.

in may/june I picked up a job at a local gym, and was casually dating a person ( like I always seem to be doing.) I guess you could say I was content with taking a breather from the greenville life and everything was going decent; but old problems with my family awakened and I realized it was now or never that I dealt with my problems or I'd sink quickly. So needless to say, I really began to take a long hard look at myself and boy was I ready for a change.

Have you ever realized how pitiful it is to look at your life and think to yourself "yeah, my life's okay." that sucks! I hated it. I hate it. Never again. For the past year I've looked at Tracy and thought "she's so happy, what am I doing wrong?" Well, now I know what i was doing wrong. For the longest time, I've been failing to let myself listen to the plans God has for me. I had forgotten that God loves me more than any love I've ever known, that he'll always be there for me, and that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. I hope to God that I never look at my life and say "yeah, it's okay", because as uneventful as my summer has been, the biggest most exciting event in my life has just begun: a real relationship with Jesus.

For the longest time I had considered myself a christian because I believed in God and, if we're being completely truthful here, I wanted to go to heaven when I died; but I never went to church, prayed very little, and thought very little about my religion. I was too concerned with controlling my own life. Thankfully though, I feel like I am just now beginning to see what being a real christian is about. It's about loving Jesus and His father, putting it all in God's hands, sacrificing, and yearning for more out of this life and eternal life than just what you get when you 'do it yourself'.

So in the past few weeks... this is now where i'm at, what i'm doing, and where i'm going.

where I'm at and what i'm doing as of July 18, 2010: I'm happy in my imperfections. First time in a while that I can say that. I've met a really nice group at Vintage 21 and I really think a lot of them, but I don't think they know that yet. I hope to open up to them more when I get to know them on a more personal level; those things still take time for me. I'm completely single, meaning I have no romantic relationship ties to anyone and I think I need that for a while while I figure out what God wants me to do with my life. I also think I need that until I find (or he finds me- ha!) a good christian man who will grow with me in Christ. I have four weeks left of working at clubworx with some youngsters and I've really enjoyed Denae and Christen's company. I'm eating a little better and am looking at new roadraces to do, so maybe I'll drop the 15 pounds I've been hoping to lose for what? like 6 years now... My dad and I are talking about more serious matters and it's really nice to have him as an outlet like that. I like telling him things that actually show him more of me. I only hope that relationship, along with others, continues to grow stronger.


where i'm going: Well.. I'm hoping to be even happier.. and i'm going to be a senior at ECU! I have yet to get my placement for my teaching but i hope it's a good one and a great teacher. I'm thinking about getting baptized again. I'm beginning to think about where I want to be in a year, and I've started praying about becoming a missionary.. Is it in God's plans for me? I don't know. I'm praying on it. I think i'm seeing small signs that I should do it but i dont know.. i always feel like when things that don't normally catch my eye, catch my eye that it might be a sign from God. for the past two days I've seen the word 'mission' three times. one as a street sign "mission street" , one on a store front in downtown raleigh on my way to vintage this morning "helping hands mission", and one on a small yard sale sign saying "mission yard sale". If it's in God's layout then I'm up for the challenge; and if not then it's straight to teaching for me!


but okay.. this is enough for my very first blog.. i know it's long and if you read the whole thing, thank you! =)

this is only the start of a long journey for me, and i've never been more excited.