...They say these things make you tougher..aren't I tough enough?...

So I've been.. not blogging for about a month.. and I can't believe it's only been a month.. but it's never too late to start again.. so here goes.
I'll state the facts. I'm in greenville. I'm in my senior year in college. I haven't been home since the last time I blogged...


So here's how it's going...it's rough. I'd say pretty rough..

I often wonder how strong God thinks/knows I am because I never thought I'd be capable of being completely alone, feeling completely misunderstood in a town, especially after such a spiritually inspiring summer. Why the hell am I here? and how hard is it to make friends? gosh. I mean, I've met people, yes, but I know no one that is a christian who really cares about their relationship with God that I can just call up and go get coffee with and talk about our struggles. I sit in lifegroup and when they ask if they can pray for anyone I don't raise my hand or open up, I feel I'm being selfish if I say how I'm truly feeling but all I really want to say is "School's stressing me out. I often find myself slipping in my christianity. I want to feel God more then ever but sometimes I just don't. My thoughts only get angrier the longer I stay in this town because of those I am surrounded by. I lose my patience with inconsiderate individuals (my wonderful roommates, excluding paige). I feel like I have no one who knows me in this town. I just want someone to enjoy my presence and enjoy and accept my weirdness for who I am and in return I do the same." If I actually said how I felt at most times, I would find myself in tears. just as I was last night when we were all praying together and no one saw me.

I just don't feel my place here. I mean, is there something wrong with me? I mean, really. and why does it feel like I'm the only who's dealing with this?

and the longer I stay alone (in friendships, relationships, romantically, whatever) .. the more I focus on the fact that I'm turning 22 in less than a month, I'm graduating college in 10 months, and I have no one significant in my life, who is pursuing a relationship with God, who is pursuing me. and doesn't it always seem like when you feel most alone, everyone else is getting engaged, going to weddings, and are happy. man. I should stay off facebook completely. and I don't understand why God is doing this. Or is he? Like, what's the lesson? because I feel like all I'm doing is building up more walls and carrying more baggage. Am I supposed to be alone? gosh, i really hope not.. because I always thought I was supposed to be an amazing wife and mother. Like it doesn't make sense to me, how can no one see my potential? This is also why I feel misunderstood.

I really don't want this to be tough.. why did I have to plant myself for three years in such weeds that when I finally WAKE UP from my nightmare of a life that I was living that it's like digging myself out of a concrete box.

schools been difficult... it's so much work that I often find myself eating wrong foods because it's quick, not working out, and just doing absolutely nothing when I have free time. Any weight that I lost this summer, I gained it back and I feel terrible about it. I haven't been to the gym in about mmm... 3 weeks.

I always seem to imagine up this amazing lifestyle that seems so wonderful and reachable and then I mess it up.

I know I'm focusing on all my negatives and not my positives. I know I struggle with self doubt (if you doubt that, please read the above.) so here... to counteract my problems..

I've turned everything in on time that I've had done... I really love my scuba class that I take on Tuesday nights, it might be one of the most peaceful things I've ever done (being underwater). This week, the less sleep I had, the more accomplished I felt. I have this really great calendar book.. It's huge but it's actually really helped me with organization. I have this little crush on my life group leader.. He's really inspiring (he's been to Africa twice for God's work!), has a relationship with Jesus, 26, silly, smart, and has no idea that I think any of this.
Umm let's see what else.. I really like my intern teacher, she's so cute, she's great! I'm trying to alter my dislike for my roommates towards service by cleaning up their nasty messes in the kitchen without expecting anything in return. That's a new task everyday. truly.


Oh yeah! I made this youtube video for a class project... It was the most I felt like myself in Greenville in a long time.. not because of the character in the video is like me but because I was goofy and got to use my creativity.

So here's till next time...

starting the journey..

so as my body wakes me up at 7 am this morning, the day of my move back to Greenville, I find myself dreading the whole move entirely. I feel like I had such a life changing summer here at home, that I fear for my relationship with God more than ever as I drive back to spend my last year of college in a town that I've never really received God's love from; or, actually, I was just denying it.

However, these words encourage me : "Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." Jeremiah 29:7

As I sit here worrying about the move and not understanding why I ever chose ECU, I sit and read this scripture and I am at peace with all my worries. I realize that I was sent to school here to be placed in exile. Sometimes you've gotta fall down alone to fall into God; and if that is God's will...then let it be. I am just hoping that my faith only continues to grow and I really start accepting God with my whole heart. And also, through this scripture, God tells me "yeah, you were sent there, but if you love on your city, not only will your city be better, you will be better". So I understand what I need to do. I need to find a good church in Greenville, a good community group and people who will hold me accountable for my actions. I need those kinds of people in my life in Greenville who will call me out lovingly because they want me to see my sin and understand that what i'm doing is not lifting up my lord. And I'm not just saying this because it is scripture, i am saying this because I know God has a plan for me in Greenville. I just really want to get back into pouring my heart out onto people. I am really hoping this year I have many opportunities to really throw myself into my schooling/teaching, my faith,volunteering, and running. If it is God's will for anything else to prosper in my life, then it will happen.

all in all...i'm excited, nervous, interested, and ready to start learning how to really live.

so here I am.. ready...set...go.

Yearning is a state of being

Current mood: happy
currently listening to:The Avett Brothers


so...right now, I feel like the only thing I can possibly that sums it all up this week is that God is SO good and that he reveals Himself and His Son through everything I do.


for this week, I worked a lot, community group on wed, durham bulls game with a friend on fri, moved out of my north campus crossing apartment this saturday and the heat was painful, 4 days of workouts in a row, and attended two churches this weekend (calvary in Apex and Vintage). If I made this blog just to post about my weekly movements, how pointless would this thing be? haha. if that was case, welp, i'd be done already! man, stating my week went by quick...I feel like just by showing how easy it is to state what you did this week in a paragraph just shows me that there is MORE to what I AM then WHAT IM DOING every day of the week. Man. God is SO good.

Something I really enjoy doing is when I'm driving home and the sun is setting, i hold my arms out my window (mainly because I have no AC and im hot, but go with me here...)and as i feel the wind between my fingers, I think to myself how amazing the smallest things are and that I owe them all to God. Like wind for instance, do people understand how important wind is? you can't see it, but you can feel it. so you know it's there, right? isn't that an amazing analogy to our God. I can't see you God, but I feel you. in the wind, in the sunsets, in the waves, in flowers, in the silhouettes of trees, etc. I've also turned off my radio in my car and just listened to the quiet in my car, have you ever done that? to hear yourself think?

Something this week that i've struggled with is the feeling of being alone. I feel this has been a struggle for me for a while in my life, that I just don't have a lot of people to confide in. Now, I know this is going to be a constant struggle for me because people have walked out of my life all through out all my life and every time it happens it just destroys me. What i've just realized as i typed this paragraph out is that I put too much faith in others, because its easier to trust in others as they sit in front of your face, then it is to trust in Jesus. But as I type that last sentence and the thoughts that have been going through my head this week, is that I will never be alone because I have Jesus. So as I sit here, worrying that I've lost the true friendship of a best friend, worrying that I'll never find someone to cherish , worrying that I wont find a community in Greenville that helps my faith grow, worrying that I'll slip when i go back to school, worrying that my parents divorce still effects me and will effect the way i handle all my relationships, I must also realize that I'm not alone in any of these. Jesus is with me with every breath i take and every move I make (police lyrics) ; and that's beautiful. Jesus never promised a calm life, and frankly, I'd never appreciate the calm if it weren't for the storms.

however, I look at all these obstacles i have and i realize that a.) not all of my worries pan out the way I think they will b.) i'm a bad worrier and c.) i just need to lift these things up to God and trust in my faith that everything will work out in God's plan. granted, it's still hard to not be upset about it all because i'm human... some of these worries, this week, have already been solved by scripture i've read in the bible. like this one:

"if the world hates you remember that it hated me first. the world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. i chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you." John 15:18-19

man, how great is that one? this week I was upset about some people still hating me in my past, and what the future might hold as i come back to greenville.. and then this scripture came to me. wow! "the world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you" geez. dead on, Jesus. Dead on. this tells me that yep, some people are gonna hate me and think less of me, but i will be okay because Jesus chose me to take me and you out of it in the end; and all that I deal with, I must remember that they hated Jesus first.

I also just have had my mind blown by the bible this week. like, my brain can barely grasp the idea of the things jesus did for people. curing a leper, bringing a dead man back to life, calming a storm, etc. I told someone this week I almost feel like I'm reading a non fiction book because it is so hard to understand what exactly he did for us. I've also developed a bit of jealousy towards the people who met him. man, did they understand what exactly they hand in front of them? and it makes me think to myself.. If i was there, and i met jesus, would i know it when i saw him? or would I accuse him of being someone false? of course, the obvious answer everyone would love to tell themselves is ''well yes, of course i would know it when i saw him" but it's an interesting thing to think about. I don't really know what i would do. I figure, however, that if i can trust in God by feeling the holy spirit, that I would know Jesus when I saw him. I hope. =)

this blog kind of hops around, i apologize. my brain kind of moves a mile a minute. I hope it made sense.

i'll end in this though. despite my worries, my fears, and my own journey, trusting in God has been hard but it feels so wonderful. I never want to go back to where I was before I really accepted YOU in my heart...and i know i still have so much to explore in Your Light, and I only hope I grow stronger. man oh man.

Discovering a new me

So needless to say, this is the first blog I've had since I was an young adolescent where I used these things to cope with my battling emotions and hopeless romantic dreams. Although those blogs were quite entertaining and are probably still saved on the internet somewhere for people to read and laugh at it, I'm hoping to use this new blog as a more mature outlet for myself to reflect on who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm doing.

so. let's just dive in, shall we?

Today is sunday, my third week of attending service at Vintage 21 church, and will be my third (or fourth?) week of community group that tracy invited me to. I can already tell you my heart is changing. For so long I've been longing to feel whole and happy and I can honestly say for the first time in what feels like forever that I'm finding peace within myself and I owe it all to Jesus.

I feel like since I've gotten to college that life has just turned me upside down. I decided I wanted to teach, got a scholarship. joined a sorority. quit a sorority. first car accident. lived on my own. fell in love. traveled all the way to europe for the first time to see the one i loved. heart broken in europe. almost lost my scholarship. worked too much. lost myself.

After the ending of my second semester junior year, I had decided I was drained, unhappy, and unbelievably lost. I couldn't stay in the same place any longer and so I decided to come home for the summer. At 21 years old, I had felt completely defeated and hopeless in all that I was doing with my life.

in may/june I picked up a job at a local gym, and was casually dating a person ( like I always seem to be doing.) I guess you could say I was content with taking a breather from the greenville life and everything was going decent; but old problems with my family awakened and I realized it was now or never that I dealt with my problems or I'd sink quickly. So needless to say, I really began to take a long hard look at myself and boy was I ready for a change.

Have you ever realized how pitiful it is to look at your life and think to yourself "yeah, my life's okay." that sucks! I hated it. I hate it. Never again. For the past year I've looked at Tracy and thought "she's so happy, what am I doing wrong?" Well, now I know what i was doing wrong. For the longest time, I've been failing to let myself listen to the plans God has for me. I had forgotten that God loves me more than any love I've ever known, that he'll always be there for me, and that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. I hope to God that I never look at my life and say "yeah, it's okay", because as uneventful as my summer has been, the biggest most exciting event in my life has just begun: a real relationship with Jesus.

For the longest time I had considered myself a christian because I believed in God and, if we're being completely truthful here, I wanted to go to heaven when I died; but I never went to church, prayed very little, and thought very little about my religion. I was too concerned with controlling my own life. Thankfully though, I feel like I am just now beginning to see what being a real christian is about. It's about loving Jesus and His father, putting it all in God's hands, sacrificing, and yearning for more out of this life and eternal life than just what you get when you 'do it yourself'.

So in the past few weeks... this is now where i'm at, what i'm doing, and where i'm going.

where I'm at and what i'm doing as of July 18, 2010: I'm happy in my imperfections. First time in a while that I can say that. I've met a really nice group at Vintage 21 and I really think a lot of them, but I don't think they know that yet. I hope to open up to them more when I get to know them on a more personal level; those things still take time for me. I'm completely single, meaning I have no romantic relationship ties to anyone and I think I need that for a while while I figure out what God wants me to do with my life. I also think I need that until I find (or he finds me- ha!) a good christian man who will grow with me in Christ. I have four weeks left of working at clubworx with some youngsters and I've really enjoyed Denae and Christen's company. I'm eating a little better and am looking at new roadraces to do, so maybe I'll drop the 15 pounds I've been hoping to lose for what? like 6 years now... My dad and I are talking about more serious matters and it's really nice to have him as an outlet like that. I like telling him things that actually show him more of me. I only hope that relationship, along with others, continues to grow stronger.


where i'm going: Well.. I'm hoping to be even happier.. and i'm going to be a senior at ECU! I have yet to get my placement for my teaching but i hope it's a good one and a great teacher. I'm thinking about getting baptized again. I'm beginning to think about where I want to be in a year, and I've started praying about becoming a missionary.. Is it in God's plans for me? I don't know. I'm praying on it. I think i'm seeing small signs that I should do it but i dont know.. i always feel like when things that don't normally catch my eye, catch my eye that it might be a sign from God. for the past two days I've seen the word 'mission' three times. one as a street sign "mission street" , one on a store front in downtown raleigh on my way to vintage this morning "helping hands mission", and one on a small yard sale sign saying "mission yard sale". If it's in God's layout then I'm up for the challenge; and if not then it's straight to teaching for me!


but okay.. this is enough for my very first blog.. i know it's long and if you read the whole thing, thank you! =)

this is only the start of a long journey for me, and i've never been more excited.