So I've been.. not blogging for about a month.. and I can't believe it's only been a month.. but it's never too late to start again.. so here goes.
I'll state the facts. I'm in greenville. I'm in my senior year in college. I haven't been home since the last time I blogged...
So here's how it's going...it's rough. I'd say pretty rough..
I often wonder how strong God thinks/knows I am because I never thought I'd be capable of being completely alone, feeling completely misunderstood in a town, especially after such a spiritually inspiring summer. Why the hell am I here? and how hard is it to make friends? gosh. I mean, I've met people, yes, but I know no one that is a christian who really cares about their relationship with God that I can just call up and go get coffee with and talk about our struggles. I sit in lifegroup and when they ask if they can pray for anyone I don't raise my hand or open up, I feel I'm being selfish if I say how I'm truly feeling but all I really want to say is "School's stressing me out. I often find myself slipping in my christianity. I want to feel God more then ever but sometimes I just don't. My thoughts only get angrier the longer I stay in this town because of those I am surrounded by. I lose my patience with inconsiderate individuals (my wonderful roommates, excluding paige). I feel like I have no one who knows me in this town. I just want someone to enjoy my presence and enjoy and accept my weirdness for who I am and in return I do the same." If I actually said how I felt at most times, I would find myself in tears. just as I was last night when we were all praying together and no one saw me.
I just don't feel my place here. I mean, is there something wrong with me? I mean, really. and why does it feel like I'm the only who's dealing with this?
and the longer I stay alone (in friendships, relationships, romantically, whatever) .. the more I focus on the fact that I'm turning 22 in less than a month, I'm graduating college in 10 months, and I have no one significant in my life, who is pursuing a relationship with God, who is pursuing me. and doesn't it always seem like when you feel most alone, everyone else is getting engaged, going to weddings, and are happy. man. I should stay off facebook completely. and I don't understand why God is doing this. Or is he? Like, what's the lesson? because I feel like all I'm doing is building up more walls and carrying more baggage. Am I supposed to be alone? gosh, i really hope not.. because I always thought I was supposed to be an amazing wife and mother. Like it doesn't make sense to me, how can no one see my potential? This is also why I feel misunderstood.
I really don't want this to be tough.. why did I have to plant myself for three years in such weeds that when I finally WAKE UP from my nightmare of a life that I was living that it's like digging myself out of a concrete box.
schools been difficult... it's so much work that I often find myself eating wrong foods because it's quick, not working out, and just doing absolutely nothing when I have free time. Any weight that I lost this summer, I gained it back and I feel terrible about it. I haven't been to the gym in about mmm... 3 weeks.
I always seem to imagine up this amazing lifestyle that seems so wonderful and reachable and then I mess it up.
I know I'm focusing on all my negatives and not my positives. I know I struggle with self doubt (if you doubt that, please read the above.) so here... to counteract my problems..
I've turned everything in on time that I've had done... I really love my scuba class that I take on Tuesday nights, it might be one of the most peaceful things I've ever done (being underwater). This week, the less sleep I had, the more accomplished I felt. I have this really great calendar book.. It's huge but it's actually really helped me with organization. I have this little crush on my life group leader.. He's really inspiring (he's been to Africa twice for God's work!), has a relationship with Jesus, 26, silly, smart, and has no idea that I think any of this.
Umm let's see what else.. I really like my intern teacher, she's so cute, she's great! I'm trying to alter my dislike for my roommates towards service by cleaning up their nasty messes in the kitchen without expecting anything in return. That's a new task everyday. truly.
Oh yeah! I made this youtube video for a class project... It was the most I felt like myself in Greenville in a long time.. not because of the character in the video is like me but because I was goofy and got to use my creativity.
So here's till next time...
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